Unraveling..

When I make a mistake, or fuck up in any way I would spend a long time beating myself up about it. I would be going on in my mind about why I did something like that? How could I be so stupid or so messed up? I would go really deep. It felt horrible. So today in a conversation with myself I somehow stumbled on the subject. All of a sudden it really did dawn on me how reckless I can sometimes be with myself. It came down to me asking myself: if I did something to someone that hurt them, and then I realized I really fucked up, I apologized and did or intended to do what was right by them and then the person forgave me and we agreed to move on. How would I feel if that person then came up to me everyday to remind me how much I fucked up, every day! When they are not with me they want to chat about it, how would that make me feel? Obviously it would suck, especially if I am truly doing right by them to the best of my abilities. The next then question was, so why the hell do I do i...

On the first of July I moved into a tiny room on the first floor of a three story accommodation in Saltriver. Each wall of this room had a different colour: pink, beige and I think, grey. The floor was tiled and there was an empty white cupboard there, it smelled new. It also had a built in beige-ish desk and one of those adjustable black chairs with wheels.   I didn't like the room much. I particularly hated the pink wall. The room had only one small window which faced the corridor. So I moaned about living like a person in solitary confinement, because I had to keep my room light switched on at all times otherwise it was complete darkness regardless of what time of the day it was. In addition, I also found out soon enough that I was the only female on that floor. So imagine the places my judgmental mind went. Nonetheless this was my room, MY room. This was the first time in my life I could actually say those words. For the first time I would sleep alone in a space th...

Watching America’s Next Top Model and lots of fashion channels, especially Spice TV, has become my new favorite pass time activity. This is interesting, at least to me, because I was that girl who could never be caught watching any type of reality show, talk less of modeling, “intelligent girls didn’t care about these things”. These days, to be quite honest, I am obsessed with watching and learning about the fashion and beauty industry because whether I like it or not I partake in the fashion and beauty industry and so I want to know more about it.  I always felt like how I looked didn’t matter. I always felt like what was inside me and what I had to offer was more important than how I looked on any given day. The complicating factor was the fact that I loved makeup. When I was in a safe environment, like in the room I shared with my little sister, I would experiment with different eyeshadow shades, light or dark, bold or subtle. I enjoyed wearing all of them but I always tone...