How I look matters to me

Watching America’s Next Top Model and lots of fashion channels, especially Spice TV, has become my new favorite pass time activity. This is interesting, at least to me, because I was that girl who could never be caught watching any type of reality show, talk less of modeling, “intelligent girls didn’t care about these things”. These days, to be quite honest, I am obsessed with watching and learning about the fashion and beauty industry because whether I like it or not I partake in the fashion and beauty industry and so I want to know more about it. 

I always felt like how I looked didn’t matter. I always felt like what was inside me and what I had to offer was more important than how I looked on any given day. The complicating factor was the fact that I loved makeup. When I was in a safe environment, like in the room I shared with my little sister, I would experiment with different eyeshadow shades, light or dark, bold or subtle. I enjoyed wearing all of them but I always toned it down to the bare minimum when I went out. I never tried anything daring with my clothes either. I had a huge ass and full breasts, both are prized possessions now, but then I wore clothes at least 2 sizes too large. The other kids had said I grew too fast because I had done bad things so I tried to hide my 'sins' lol.

The more I watch these fashion shows the more obvious it seems that how I look is just as important as the type of person I am, or at least it should be to me. Since I am now paying more attention to the clothes I wear and how I wear them, I have noticed that that the amount of effort I put into getting dressed is mostly determined by how I am feeling on any day. When I don't feel good about myself I don't put in any effort but when I am feeling positive and inspired I would make sure that the slaycation was on level 100. More importantly I have noticed that when I get a look or outfit right on a day that starts out slow and crappy, I step out of the house feeling a little bit better and just a little bit more motivated. 
On many days dressing up is still a time when I come face to face with some of my deepest insecurities and so it is a frustrating process when I can’t find something that 'works'. This new frustration is bearable though because it means that I care about how I express myself through my clothes and that dressing up is no longer just a mindless act to me.


To me if if I can dress in a way that elevated my mood, it means I have figured something about myself out.To be able to dress well is to know yourself well and there should be no shame attached to that. So I wake up earlier than usual, I give myself time to figure out how I want to look that day sometimes I do this the night before. This has been so satisfying and therapeutic because it already I go to bed feeling good about the next day and it really helps me get in touch with myself because there are aren't many self-centered, self indulgent and/or selfish processes like that of dressing up.


I always avoided putting effort in my look because I was afraid to be called vain, I dreaded shoping because I worried about finding something the would fit. Getting dressed with other girls I would always be the last to find something that worked and this caused so much stress and frustration 

 These days I challenge myself to enjoy it. I have found ways of making dressing up a moment of incorporating creative play into my life. I try different colours and textures and lengths in ways different from how I have always just put them on my body. I  have fun with it. 

 Some days the days the anxiety gets the better of me and in those moments I have to remember to just breathe and ride it because I now understand that this is an important process. To be able to dress well is to know yourself well and there should be no shame attached to it.

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